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Topic: The Joke Thread |
4085 replies
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WOW, Kieran. Damn. But I did laugh. >8O
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Quote ( Kieran Grogan @ January 8th 2012,23:59:46 )
Bloke is having sex with a prostitute when he starts suckling on her chest. Much to his surprise he gets a warm mouthful.
He looks up at her and says "Gee, I would have thought you were too old to give milk!"
She says "I am, but I'm not too old to have cancer."
I wish I could have beer with you. This one is the kind of gross jokes that makes guys roll under the table laughing when they are drunk! :)
And I mean it as compliment!
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Kenny Daglish, Harry Redknapp, Sir Alex Ferguson and Roberto Mancini went to the pub.
Kenny bought the first round,
Redknapp bought the second round
Mancini bought the third round round and then
Ferguson bought the forth.
Mancini said " Were's mine?"
Ferguson " Sorry Mancini your not in the fourth round.
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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration...You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.. A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see.... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old...'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
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Quote ( Kęstutis Vaškevičius @ January 12th 2012,16:06:16 )
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration...You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need.. A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.' The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see.... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit and it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?' Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?' Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old...'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
I call that an oh burn moment
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Looked to me like an "Excuse me while I go kill a doctor" moment. ;p
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I used to have a 3 1/2 floppy drive, but after receiving those files, I now have a 7 inch hard drive.
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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mom said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
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Are you a tower?
Because Eiffel for you.
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Quote ( Andrew Lawrence @ January 12th 2012,17:45:45 )
I used to have a 3 1/2 floppy drive, but after receiving those files, I know have a 7 inch hard drive.
*now :P
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Quote ( Bartosz Czerniawski @ January 12th 2012,18:00:40 )
Are you a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
That's quite cheesey. (I've heard worse chat-up lines though)
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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish...
"I think its got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Th vet takes a look and says " it seems calm enough to me"
Paddy says " I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet"
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I think america should re-elect this guy if not just for a laugh during this global crisis
he could bang on
'o yeah its bad the banks are fucked & were cutting jobs etc.....'
.........then just cheer everyone up by saying any of the following of his gaffes really ;
THE WIT AND WISEDOM OF GEORGE BUSH
“The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.”
“If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that word is ‘to be prepared.'”
“They miss-underestimated us.”
“The future will be better tomorrow.”
“We are going to have the best educated American people in the world.”
“I stand by all the miss-statements that I have made.”
“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are part of Europe .”
“Public speaking is very easy.”
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
“It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
“It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
Legend LOL ;D
..................................................................
Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after handling it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
...................................................................
Now for some irish bashing;
Two old drunks on their way home from the pub are stumbling up a country lane in almost total darkness. One says, “Seamus, I think we must have walked into the graveyard – look, I can see a stone here that says a man lived to the age of 105!”
“Glory be, Malarki,” says Seamus. “Was it anybody that we knew?”
“No, it was somebody called ‘Miles from Dublin .'”
..................................................
“So, have you figured what to buy the missus for Christmas this year?” asked Brady. “Begorrah, I surely have,” replied Seamus. “She said she wanted something with diamonds in it, so I've brought her a pack of cards!”
..................................................
lets end on a high ey?
“divorce: from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
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Quote ( Adrian Summers @ January 12th 2012,17:39:37 )
Looked to me like an "Excuse me while I go kill a doctor" moment. ;p
He wouldn't have the balls...
*************************
Quote ( Sasa Todorovich @ January 12th 2012,17:54:29 )
When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.
After a while, my mom said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."
I actually had to think about it before I got it. Shame on me! o.O
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Quote ( Serge Girard @ January 16th 2012,04:00:42 )
He wouldn't have the balls...
That's great! X-)Quote ( Serge Girard @ January 16th 2012,04:00:42 )
I actually had to think about it before I got it. Shame on me! o.O
I was skimming over it, so I had to re-read it. lol
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I saw an advert in a newspaper looking for part-time female workers. How sexist! Why do they only employ transsexuals?
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Qualities that a man looks for in a woman. 1 truthful 2 intelligent 3 gentle 4 humble 5 tolerant 6 polite 7 understanding 8 sexy 9 smart 10 youthful. But above all.... put all the first letters together and tell me what you get?
A pastor kept a cock@ his church premises, 1 evening d cock went missing. In the church d pastor asked 'who has a cock?' all d men got up. 'no i mean who has seen a cock?', all the women got up, 'no no who has seen a cock that isnt theirs?' half of d women got up. 'oh 4 goodness sake who's seen my cock' All the choir girls got up....=D =D =D
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Nice one Tayo. You made my day a bit better =)
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If it was a catholic priest this would be more likely :
Quote ( Tayo Moronike @ January 23rd 2012,10:13:47 )
who's seen my cock' All the choir girls boys got up.
:(
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One I found online:
A lil boy brings his cat to school, the teacher asks why? Boy tearfully replies: “I heard dad telling mom, I’m gonna eat your pussy after the kids go to school”
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I bet you didn't find that online, Andrew. I bet you lived it. ;p
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- I don't get all the fuzz about the discovery of America !
- Why noy ?
- Well, you can see all these skyscrapers from miles away, no ?
A man goes to the doctor.
- Hmm, says the doctor, that doesn't look too well. You'll going to need surgery and I'll have to put you into narcose.
The man immediately grabs his wallet.
- Oh, but you can pay afterwards. You don't need to do that right now.
- I know, says the man, but before you put me into narcose, I just want to count all my money first.
Perhaps not that funny, but oh well.
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There is a man in the park peeing in a fountain and a cop comes up to him and says, "Sir you need to zip that up. You aren't supposed to pee in a public fountain like that"
So the cop is leaving and the man zips up his pants but is laughing hysterically. finally the cop says "What are you laughing at?" and the man says "I zipped it up but I didnt stop!"
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
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An Irishman walks out of a bar.....
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An englihsman is visiting a small mexican village. The sun is high, but he is unsure if his watch is giving the correct time. Then he spots a villager and his donkey taking a nap against a wall. The englishman walks to him and asks if he would be kind enough to give him the time.
The villager gives him a faint nod, grabs his donkey's testicules and twists them to the right. The donkey starts to bray loudely.
«11: 58» says the villager. The englishman looks at his own watch and is amazed to see that it shows exactly 11:58.
Curious, the englishman decides to try again the following day. He finds the villager taking his nap at the same spot. He walks to him and asks him for the time. Once again, the villager bearly nods, grabs his donkey's testicules, twists them to the right. The donkey naturally enough starts braying loudely and the villager annouces: «1:33». And once more, the englishman is amazed to see that the villager is right.
The next day, the englishman gather all his fellow english tourists and, after promising to show them something extraordinary, takes them all to the little villager. As previously, he asks for the time and the villager nods, grabs his donkey's testicules and not surprisingly the poor beast starts braying his head out. And as on cue, the villagers states: 2:05.
All the english tourists are amazed at this and one of them is bold enough to ask the villager how he does it.
So the villager sits straight, look at the english tourists for a moment and then says: «Well, you see, when I grab my donkey's testicules and twist them to the right, I can see the Sacramento tower's clock!»
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Breaking news:
In an attempt to balance the US budget, the Obama administration announced that they would dismantle the amy. This is in line with the new Obama doctrine, which replaces classical military warfare with economic warfare.
According to this new doctrine, US soldiers will be replaced by attorneys, a seemingly inexhaustible resources.
Obama: «This way, if anyone threatens us, we will call in the attorneys and just tell them to charge the ennemy.»
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Dave and Paddy are two Irsish Joiners
Dave is working away nailing the floorboards down, whilst paddy is nailing plaster boards into the ceiling.
Paddy looks over at dave and notices him throwing half his nails away.
''What are you doing throwing those away???''
Dave says; ''They're the wrong way up these nails!!!.''
''You daft Bastard!!!!'' Paddy Replies.
''You could have used those on the ceiling''
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FORGOT MY GLASSES
Yesterday my daughter asked why I didn't do something useful with my time, instead of spending all day on the computer.
She suggested I go down to the pensioner center and hang out with the blokes.
I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said "Are you nuts? You're almost 66 years old and you're going to start
jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "For heaven's sake, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five jumps a week!
Life as a an OAP is not getting any easier
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