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Téma: The Joke Thread |
4091 válasz
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#2221 Elküldve: 2013. augusztus 19. 12:04:14 (módosítva: 2013. augusztus 19. 12:19:12 Jake Clark által)
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What's similar between Dwight Yorke and Michael Shumacher?
They both spent theiir weekends rear-ending Jordans
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Quote ( Jake Clark @ August 19th 2013,12:04:14 )
What's the difference between Dwight Yorke and Michael Shumacher?
They both spent their weekends rear-ending Jordans
Thats a similarity...not a difference. :P
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When I saw you had posted I thought you were going to lynch me for making a joke about Jordan :P
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hahaha :P no, happy to just pick on your grammar :P
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Though the setup for that type of jokes is usually 'what's the difference between so and so' followed by 'none' and a similarity as a punch line. Just saying...
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Couple fo liquored up buddies.
Hey, Joe want to come over for dinner?
Sure I do :)
Uh.. Joe...do you know the difference between the toilet bowl and an ashtray?
Sure I do :)
That's good! My wife would just have your balls for door stops...
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In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol --- dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.
The third worm in sperm --- dead.
The fourth worm in soil --- alive.
So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."
***************
Q: What's the difference between the 1960's and the 2000's?
A: In the 2000's, a guy goes into a chemist shop and shouts, "Give me a box of condoms!" ... and then whispers to the shop assistant, "Oh, and slip in a packet of cigarettes, too."
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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A doctor, on his morning walk, noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
"I smoke ten cigars a day" she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."
"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"
"Thirty-four", she replied.
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Q: why did the little boy fall off his bike
A: someone threw a fridge at him
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Lance Armstrong: "The accusations make my blood boil .."
". . but luckily I've someone else's in my fridge."
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Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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I walked in today to find a suicide note left on the fridge from my wife.
It said at the end, "I can't go on any more and I'll miss you more then anything else in the world!"
She f***ing loved that fridge.
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Why do men want their brides to wear white?
Because they want their dishwasher to match their fridge and stove!
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A guy comes home from work, runs into the living room, and flops down in front of the TV. He quickly turns it on and starts flipping through the channels. His wife walks into the living room and the guys says to her, "Wife, hurry up and get me a beer before it starts!" The wife goes to the fridge, cracks a beer and gives it to her husband. The husband slams down the beer, gives her the empty, and tells her, "Hurry up and get me another one! It's gonna start soon!" The wife goes to the fridge, gets another beer, cracks it open, and takes it to her husband. The guy slams the beer again, gives her the empty, and says, "Hurry up and get me 1 more beer, it's gonna start ANY minute!" The wife, getting upset, goes to the fridge, gets him a beer, cracks it open, gives it to her husband and says "You know, all you ever do around here is come home from work, sit in front of the TV, bark orders at me, drink beer............... The guy, hearing his wife complaining, sips his beer, sighs, and says, "YEP, IT'S STARTED!"
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Here some of the most appreciated jokes (or group of jokes) judging by the number of thumbs up it got (4 or more - I left out post #1 since I quoted it not long ago):
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Quote ( Jeff Pumphrey @ March 24th 2011,17:05:55 ) Marriage is like a deck of cards....
In the beginning, you need two hearts and a diamond.
by the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
*************
Quote ( Jeff Pumphrey @ March 24th 2011,17:05:55 ) "The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.
First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road!
I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!
The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.
Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.
Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me,
I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!
He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.
Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!
(They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.)
But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!
See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!"
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Quote ( Jonathan MacLean @ March 25th 2011,22:58:01 ) The like system.
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Quote ( Kashvinder Mann @ March 29th 2011,14:13:25 ) A boy is crying while watching TV.
Mum: What's wrong?
Boy: Justin Bieber just got shot on CSI!
Mum: Aww, honey, it's not real, he's still alive...
Boy: That's why I'm crying.
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Quote ( Barry Gregorick @ April 5th 2011,22:08:42 ) Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough , because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.............
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Quote ( Hans Barf @ April 10th 2011,19:29:11 ) A man is flying in a hot-air balloon over land looking for a friend he was supposed to meet but he cannot find him. He comes to the conclusion he is lost.
Below him he sees someone and he decided to decent so that he can talk to the man.
"Excuse me" he shout from above, "can you maybe help me? I promised a friend I meet him somewhere half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below answers: "Yes, I can help you. You are in a hot-air balloon, and hoovering roughly 10 meters above the ground. Your position is between the 40th and 42nd latitude and between 58th and 60th longitude."
"You must be a system administrator" the man in the balloon says.
"Indeed, you are correct," says the other man, "but how did you know?"
The man in the balloon replies: "Well, everything you say is technically true, but the information is utterly useless. I am still lost.
The man on the ground ponders a bit and says: "You must be a manager, right?"
"That's correct", says the man in the balloon, "but how did you know?"
"Easy. You have no clue where you are and you have absolutely no idea what direction to go from here. You made a vague promise, whereas you have no idea how to keep that promise and you expect me to solve your problem.
After my help your situation has not changed from before we met, but for some reason you now blame me for it. You must be a manager."
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Quote ( Michał Kubski @ April 13th 2011,12:50:57 ) How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes and clean the house?
Look inside your pants. If you have a penis, it's not time.
*runs away*
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Quote ( Michał Kubski @ April 13th 2011,12:50:57 ) I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'
So she hit me.
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Quote ( Ben O`Hagan @ April 14th 2011,23:39:40 ) Two hunters were out hunting rabbits with rifles when one of the, collapsed. The other guy franticly called the ambulance service, and when the operator answered, he said "Help! I think my friend may be dead!"
The operator then said, "Ok, lets first make sure he is dead though." There is silence, then a loud gunshot is heard.
Then the hunter goes back to the phone and says, "Ok, now what?
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Quote ( Barry Gregorick @ April 25th 2011,16:52:00 ) Grandma's letter. She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car She writes:
Dear Granddaughter:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a " Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,' For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment
that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again.
Love, Grandma
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Quote ( Michael Pollard @ April 27th 2011,20:16:39 ) Best joke of the day;
Andrew Lawrence.
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Quote ( Michał Kubski @ April 27th 2011,20:39:06 ) Worry no more, Andrew! Mr. Inappropriate comes to the rescue and turns the attention away!
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
Oh no he di'int!
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Quote ( Michał Kubski @ April 27th 2011,20:39:06 ) John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
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Quote ( Michał Kubski @ April 27th 2011,20:39:06 ) I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching
a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager
would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager
had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man,
never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response, sure it would be a good one.
And in classic style, he did not bat an eye in his response, "Got
drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son.".
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Quote ( Jeff Pumphrey @ May 12th 2011,22:19:54 ) A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something: 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry.'
'Well,' she says, 'would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!
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Quote ( Finn Shaw-McIver @ May 15th 2011,00:57:11 ) Statistics show that 1 in 20 of us live next door to a paedophile, not me though, I live next door to two stunning 8 year olds
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Quote ( Barry Gregorick @ May 16th 2011,13:29:02 ) ----- Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your plane!"
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the bloody dark!" says Murphy.
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
-----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
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Quote ( Andrew Ednie @ May 24th 2011,19:34:04 ) Paul and Steve have just got married to one another, seeing as they are younger and paying for University they decide the don't need a hunny-moon so instead just spend the night round at Steve's house.
The next morning Steve's little brother comes down for his breakfast and says to his mum:
'Are Steve and Paul still in Bed'
'Yes' She replied with a loving smile on her face,
'You wanna to know what I think?' asks the little boy. Now the mum expected him to go on about Steve being gay so says:
'No I don't, now eat your breakfast.'
So the little boy's eats his breakfast and goes to get ready for school.
Just as they were about to leave the boy asks,
'Are Steve and Paul still in bed?'
'Yes,'
'Mum, you wanna know what I think?'
'No.' was her reply.
When the boy get home from school he goes straight though to the kitchen where his mum is making dinner,
'Are Steve and Paul still in bed?'
'Yes,'
'Mum you wanna know what I think?'
'No!' she said getting quite annoyed by all this now. So the bot walked off to watch the tv.
When it came to dinner the boy asks:
'Are Steve and Paul still in bed?'
'Yes,'
'Mum, you wanna know what I think?'
'Fine, you've been bothering me all day about this, What do you think?'
'I think that when Steve came in last night asking for Vaseline that I accidently gave him the super glue...'
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Quote ( Toby Hazle @ June 16th 2011,22:04:55 ) I know one... Laila Britale!
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Quote ( George Samuels @ June 16th 2011,22:11:17 ) That's the way i roll....
BBC News: Real Madrid accept offer from Arsenal for Sergio Ramos.
Now I know Sergio dropped the trophy under the open top bus, but sending him to Arsenal so he never gets his hands on another is a bit harsh
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Quote ( Marius Ruţa @ June 16th 2011,22:11:53 ) A man enters a pharmacy and rushed to the pharmacist, showing him five fingers. The pharmacist asks him what does he want, to which the man answers:
-Five Viagras, I got two Russian hotties coming to my place tonight and I want to be in good 'shape', if you know what I mean.
The pharmacist gives him what he asked for and the man leaves. The second day, the same man enters the pharmacy, this time showing ten fingers. Surprised, the pharmacist askes him:
Ph: -Ten Viagras!?
M.: - No, give me a hand cream, fast!
Ph:- Why, what happend?
M: - I took the 5 Viagras
Ph: - And...?
M: - The girls didn`t show up.
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 16th 2011,22:12:42 ) A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 16th 2011,22:15:14 ) Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 16th 2011,22:18:11 ) The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 16th 2011,22:20:37 ) Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
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Quote ( Marius Ruţa @ June 16th 2011,22:24:59 ) And another one: (bit long, but I found it very funny when I first heard it)
A guy gets a new job at a salesman. The boss introduces him to his new work mates, explain the requirements of the job and tells him: - Well, in this store, we have a policy, so if the customer comes and asks for one product, you sell him two, if he asks for two you sell him four..you get the idea. And I want for your first day at work at least 5 registered sales.
The boss leaves and returns in the evening, when the store was about to close. He goes to his new employee and asks him:
Boss: - Well, how did it go?
Employe: - It`s been good.
B: - How many customers did you have today?
E: - Just one.
B: (angered) Just one? I told you I expect at least five! And what value did the sale have?
E: 400.000 GPB
B: WHAT!? What did you sell him?
E: Well, at first I offered him a small fishing hook. I then offered him a medium fishing hook and in the end a large one. I asked him "do you have a fishing rod". He said no, so I sold him a fishing rod, with all the required: line, bait, hooks, everything. Then I said to whim "Hey, you also need some rubber boots, in case you enter the water". He agreed. Then I said to him "listen, if you want to catch the big fish, you have to move to the middle of the water. You need a boat for this". So I sold him the new boat we had, the one with the two engines...you know..
B: Yes, I do.
E: And I continued.."Listen, what if the fish won`t bite? GO hunting!" So I sold him two hunting riffles, ammo, camouflaged suits, two tents. Then we had a problem. "How are you gonna transport all this?" I said. So I sold him the brand new SUV, then added all up , everything worth 400,000GPB.
B: Good. But tell me again, what was that man looking for?
E: He asked me where are the tampons. So I told him " Listen, since your weekend is screwed up, why don`t you go fishing? You don`t have the proper gear? Don`t worry, I`ll help you"
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 16th 2011,22:33:18 ) Police
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 16th 2011,22:33:18 ) The Brave Soldier
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 16th 2011,22:33:18 ) A Birthday Wish
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 17th 2011,10:56:23 ) A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic. Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. "Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 17th 2011,10:56:23 ) the doctor and the patient
the patient:doctor,doctor,i hear voices and i can't the person who's speaking
the doctor:when does this happen?
the patient:when i'm in the phone
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Quote ( Andi Ndreçka @ June 17th 2011,11:04:58 ) a little long but pretty funny
A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. "Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You're going to have to think of another wish." The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My w ives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing', and know how to make them truly happy." The genie paused for a while and said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
To be continued...
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Using youre initiative.
On Thursday I applied for a job in a DIY store,I was told i can have the job if i prove myself useful. I agreed and waas told to come back Friday for a trial day. ON Friday I turned up at the work place good and ready. The manager said "we must wait for a customer,I will show you how to deal with them and you learn from that." "ok" i replied. At that moment a customer walks in,looks around for a while before the manager looks at me and says "watch and learn". So i did. The manager goes to the customer and says "excuse me sir,could i interest you in anything?". The customer replies "Yes" i am looking for grass seeds for my garden". The manager shows him the grass seeds,and the customer is happy. The manager says to the customer "Can i interest you in a lawnmower?". The customer says WTF i want with a lawnmower?. The manager replies "Well you have grass seeds,you are obviously growing grass,it will,you will need to cut it,if you buy one now it will save you coming back." The customer was delighted and agreed on a lawnmower. The manager says to the customer "Can i interest you in a garden shed?". He replied "WTF do i want with a garden shed?" ( you get the picture,so he bought a garden shed too). Anyways the customer walks out happy in his purchases. The manager tells me this is how he would like me to serve the customers.....ok.
10 minutes later a guy comes in and is walking around the shop,i watch nervousely and after another 10 minutes decide to approach him..."excuse me sir,can i interest you in anything?". He replies "Yes,i am looking for tampon,our lass is on that time of month"....I replied..."oh,mate,you want the shop next door,this is a diy store.Just before he got to the door i shouted " mate,you want to buy a lawn mower?" he asked.."what the jubblies i want with a lawnmower?" i replied "Well,youre weekends pooped you might aswell cut the grass"....job sorted.
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Saw this online, as it's quite topical
"Despite getting A,B,B,A on my results day, no employer is willing to take a chance on me"
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Quote ( Andrew Lawrence @ August 22nd 2013,15:01:36 ) Saw this online, as it's quite topical"Despite getting A,B,B,A on my results day, no employer is willing to take a chance on me"
If you had A C D C then I might give you a job
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Guy gets a 17 year old devout Catholic girl pregnant.
She tells her parents. They get furious and demand to meet the guy who did it.
The guy agrees to meet them. He arrives in a Ferrari Enzo
Guy says: I do not believe in abortion to, so if she has a boy, Ill give him my oil company and all my assets when I'm gone.
If its a girl, Ill give her my fashion company and all my assets when I'm gone.
If they are twins, Ill divide all my assets in half and give it to them.
If she has a miscarriage..
Then the father interrupts
If she has a miscarriage you will f@ck her again
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Harsh, but not without some level of sick humour...
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Quote ( Ivan Salfa @ August 22nd 2013,21:14:02 ) Guy gets a 17 year old devout Catholic girl pregnant.
Not so devout then. ;p
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A guy's fairy tale:
So the guy asked her to marry him. She said 'no'.
From then on the guy could play golf, watch tv, play with his dog, go fishing and drink with his buddies all he wanted and he lived happily ever after. The end.
N.B.: this is the short version. In the longer one, he drives a Ferrari, owns a yacth, chases women, wins a farting contest, etc., etc.
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A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars. The man say I can do it! So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves. About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for. The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I'll do it! He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, "How did you make the donkey laugh?" The man looks at the bartender and says, "Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did". "How did you make him cry?" ask the bartender? Well I showed him.
*************
An old man and a little boy on a donkey were on their way into town. They passed by a group of people who said, "What a shame for that old man to be walking while that perfectly able-bodied boy rides that donkey." So the boy got off the donkey and the old man got on. They later passed by some more people who said," Why should that little boy have to walk when they have a donkey to ride on. So the little boy got on the donkey and they both rode it. After a while, they passed some more people. They overheard the people say, "That poor donkey must be wore out from carrying both of them." So the little boy and old man picked up the donkey and started to carry it. They were carrying the donkey across a bridge. The weight of the donkey became just too unbearable and slipped from their grasp and went over the side of the bridge into the water and drowned. The moral of the story is: If You Try To Please Everyone You'll Eventually Lose Your ASS!
***********
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a donkey in the front seat. "What are you doing with that donkey?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo." The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the donkey again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over. "I thought you were going to take that donkey to the zoo!" The man replied, "I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!"
********
Sid was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a crowd of people gathering outside a farmhouse.Prize Donkey Joke
It was a cold November afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Ellis why such a large crowd of men was gathered there.
The farmer replied, 'Jo's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.'
'Well, 'replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.'
'Nope, 'said Farmer Ellis.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'
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Did you hear about the paperboy who was caught masturbating at work? It was all over the news.
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Thank you Andrew for giving it a shot. ^.^
Now, on this same topic:
Crazy Mike the Biker walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny… keep me potent.” The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label “Viagra Extra Strength” and says, “Here, if you eat this, you’ll go NUTS for 12 hours!”
Then Crazy Mike says, “Gimme three boxes!” The next day, Crazy Mike walks into the same pharmacy, right up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man’s penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.
Crazy Mike says, “Gimme a bottle of BenGay.”
The pharmacist replies, “BenGay?!?!?! You’re not going to put BenGay on that are you?”
Crazy Mike says, “No, it’s for my arms, the girls didn’t show up.”
**********
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. So he decided to test it on himself first.
He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic! He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off. He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.
He tried every button on the instrument – some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less – but still he had no success getting out of it. Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier’s customer service hotline.
The farmer: “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow’s udder?”
Customer Service: “Don’t worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about 2 gallons of milk.”
**************
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says: "What the f*ck is your problem! I said I needed a hand saw!"
The other guy says: "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
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Quote ( Serge Girard @ August 28th 2013,22:06:52 ) Thank you Andrew for giving it a shot. ^.^
Best joke on this page imo :p
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#2242 Elküldve: 2013. augusztus 29. 21:45:03 (módosítva: 2013. augusztus 29. 21:46:07 Mike Green által)
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Idézet
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An Australian, a Southafrican and an Englishman are at the bar. The Australian downs his glass throws it up and shoots it. He says" we got to much sand and glass I've had enough". The southafrican not wanting to be outdone throws his glass up and shoots it. He says" we got to much sand and glass I've had enough". The Englishman not wanting to be outdone downs his glass throws it up and shoots the Australian and the South African and says "we got to many Australians and southafricans I've had enough"
Sorry for bad grammer
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
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Quote ( Jeff Pumphrey @ August 29th 2013,23:50:15 ) The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
This morning you stated that you hadn't ever had sex with your wife.
Quote ( Jeff Pumphrey @ August 29th 2013,05:29:13 ) I have two numbers. The one I told my wife when I met her, and the real one. And neither has changed since our wedding night. ;)
Times must be hard.
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Quote ( Michael Winkley @ August 29th 2013,23:54:47 ) This morning you stated that you hadn't ever had sex with your wife.
Not before we got married, no. Re-read it.
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Quote ( Jeff Pumphrey @ August 29th 2013,23:58:33 ) Not before we got married, no. Re-read it.
I know; I was just offering one possible interpretation of what you said earlier. Turns out that Pauli Kakela already made that joke though, in the "Keeney finally got laid" thread.
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My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 19, and her name's Emily.
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Good one. And I personaly don't really care how many times it has been told before...
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A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
********
One day a little boy called Johnny was sitting in a church. He had to go to the bathroom so he said to his mother, ''Mummy, I have to piss.''
His mother said, ''Johnny, don’t say piss in church! Next time you have to use the bathroom, say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, Johnny had to go to the bathroom again. This time he was sitting next to his father, so he said to his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
His father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
********
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"What are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
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There are two types of people in this world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data
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