| Pengarang |
Topik: The Joke Thread |
4091 balasan
|
|
|
Quote ( Dougie Marshall @ April 18th 2013,22:04:09 ) i was sitting in the bed the other day pulling off my boxers, when my wife came in and said "I think you spoil those dogs"
haha!
|
|
|
|
Quote ( Keri Lovell @ April 22nd 2013,21:00:55 ) Quote ( Dougie Marshall @ April 18th 2013,22:04:09 )
i was sitting in the bed the other day pulling off my boxers, when my wife came in and said "I think you spoil those dogs"
haha!
you mean baaa baaa! ;)
|
|
|
|
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
...
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this on F'book and I just had to share .....
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.
The directions said that:
a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
|
|
|
|
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny.
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny "coz he'd be f*cked if he needed glasses!"
|
|
|
|
There are 2 kinds of people in this world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
|
|
|
|
Simple explanation...
The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase ;
-"What happened ?" asks mother-in-law.
-"What happened ? I'll tell you what happenned !.. I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found ?...
My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed ! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever !"
-"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing ! Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile ; - "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation... Rachel didn't receive your Email...!!!"
|
|
|
|
Louis Suarez has issued yet another heart warming apology in the wake of his 10 match suspension for his bite attack on Chelsea defender Ivanovic,
He was heard to say "I'm so sorry, it was such an honest mistake. I could have sworn I was biting Demba Ba!"
|
|
|
|
|
3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"
|
|
|
|
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.” “I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased a few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
|
|
|
|
Mourinho's wife wakes him at dawn and says:
- Honey, get up, it's five already
- What? Lewandowski again?
|
|
|
|
Funny one that Mario :-)
========================================
Grandpa: "Go hide, your
teacher is here because you
skipped school today!"
Boy: "No you go hide. I told her you were dead!"
========================================
Dad: Why are your eyes so red?
Son: I was smoking marijuana
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot
==========================================
* Gangnam Style Remix *
BROKEN CONDOM STYLE!
Ayyyyyyy that's your baby!
Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope! Nope!
=============================================
I sold some crack today, the undercover cop liked it so much that he gave me 2 silver bracelets and a ride in the backseat to his club house...we even took pictures
================================================
|
|
|
|
|
It's nonsense that men think about sex every seven vagina.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Quote ( Marin Cehajic @ May 1st 2013,11:40:27 ) My level 9 engine :P
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Quote ( Matas Remeika @ May 1st 2013,23:08:03 ) --snip--
Knob
|
|
|
|
|
makes me laugh when Lithuanian's make racist jokes when no-one even knows where Lithuania is.
|
|
|
|
Q: Did you hear about the latest Lithuanian invention?
A: It's a solar-powered flashlight.
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Lithuanian parachutes?
A: They open on impact!
Q: How come the Lithuanian firing squad was never successful?
A: They always stood in a circle!
|
|
|
|
Come on, he's 13 years old, cut him some slack :)
|
|
|
|
Quote ( Kęstutis Vaškevičius @ May 2nd 2013,18:14:14 ) Come on, he's 13 years old, cut him some slack :)
We need the man to be better than the boy. It could be quite useful to him in the long run to let him know he's being a dick.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Quote ( Mario Põldma @ March 5th 2012,20:55:15 ) How do europeans have sex?
A french man has sex with a french woman. An italian watches on TV, how a french man has sex with a french woman. The polish watch on TV, how an italian watches on TV, how a french man has sex with a french woman. A lithuanian f##k with his antenna to get Polish TV.
|
|
|
|
Quote ( Kęstutis Vaškevičius @ May 2nd 2013,18:14:14 ) Come on, he's 13 years old, cut him some slack :)
Quite true.
Seeing how this conversation is developping, those denoucing the lack of taste of Matas' joke are in the process of showing some lack of taste of their own.
Time for something funny. Where is Kieran when you need him???
|
|
|
|
Just came across these: thought I would share:
A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”
-----------
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” they asked. “She said, ‘get out from under the bed and fight like a man’.”
----------
A little girl was asking her teacher.
Girl: “Can my mom get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your mom?”
Girl: “She’s 40!”
Teacher: Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can my sister get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your sister?”
Girl: “She’s 18.”
Teacher: “Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: “How old are you?”
Girl: “I’m 12.”
Teacher: “No you cannot get pregnant.”
A lil boy sitting behind the lil girl said, “I told you we have nothing to worry about.”
The teacher fainted.
------------
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. She changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV then her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, “I’m two hours late… and you’re still not ready!?”
|
|
|
|
|
Thatcher dies and Ferguson retires. Who decided to give 3 wishes to a Scouser?
|
|
|
|
Quote ( Andrew Lawrence @ May 8th 2013,17:37:52 ) Thatcher dies and Ferguson retires. Who decided to give 3 wishes to a Scouser?
a magical cow that jumped over the moon?
|
|
|
|
Quote ( Andrew Lawrence @ May 8th 2013,17:37:52 )
Thatcher dies, Ferguson retires, Keri leaves GPRO. Who decided to give 3 wishes to a Finn?
fixed.
|
|
|
|
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
|
|
English
Deutsch
Español
Română
Italiano
Português
Português
Français
Polski
Русский
Български
Македонски
Српски
Nederlands
Vlaams
Suomi
Lietuvių
Čeština
Magyar
Eesti keel
Slovenčina
Türkçe
Shqip
Ελληνικά
Hrvatski
Dansk
Pirate
