| Thi' Captain Spake |
Jabb'r: The Joke Thread |
's many 's 4084 answ'rs
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Quote ( James Berriman @ November 15th 2018,02:22:09 ) Yes!! No debate.
The 2 posts deleted before #3553 show that the artists in this joke thread do indeed have to have standards.. Thanks Moderator/s!
Unless you know exactly who your audience is,,, you have to create your masterpieces with some Moral boundaries surely?
Seconded!
Huge respect to the Mods for removing that bile.
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Quote ( Rui Morais @ November 15th 2018,09:27:22 ) Obviously you don't even know what you're talking about.
Or maybe you don't understand?
Quote ( James Berriman @ November 15th 2018,02:22:09 ) Unless you know exactly who your audience is,,, you have to create your masterpieces with some Moral boundaries surely?
Or you might of commented on this? OBVIOUSLY you think it is fine to make any type of jokes in front of kids? or little old ladies? definitely the impressionable, good to have them cracking jokes about the suffering of others..
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Good morning. Yes James, that's exactly it. I'm not here to try to change minds, I'm not that naive. Voltaire said 'It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere'.
I'm just exercising my freedom of thought and expression, which I believe was the essence of Rui's rather long winded post above.
We should probably get back to the jokes. And make sure they're funny... Kirsty demands it!
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two snowmen in a field..... one says to the other.... "Can you smell carrots?"
Probably not the first time I put that joke in this thread :P But I like it
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Me - Do you want to do a rape fantasy?
Girl - No
Me - That's the spirit!
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I give up.
Thing is... ppl saying we need freedom of speech/expression/opinion.
Great... but there is no lower age limit for this site. Kids are on the forums.
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Please don't!
I'm still laughing
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You should be allowed to attempt jokes about anything. It will not necessarily be funny and not everyone will like it, but you should not start policing what humour is allowed. Yes you can get offended by a joke, that's still not a reason to start censoring speech.
I can see it's ok to make jokes of crippled people and male genital mutilation, but not Jews or blacks. I would say all of those jokes were hilarious.
On the other hand as Mick pointed out there are kids reading this forum and that should probably limit the jokes on this thread to carrots and snowmen.
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Thats the thing.. I laughed. I dont get offended easily... but if my 12 yr old was reading some of the stuff in this thread the last few days... I might feel differently.
Ideally it would be possible to age lock threads.
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Quote ( Kirsty Ridley @ November 15th 2018,09:37:19 ) This thread is not nearly as funny as it used to be :\
But the humor in your profile photo never fades. ;)
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Yesterday I found out I was colourblind,
It came completely out of the orange.
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Quote ( Kirsty Ridley @ November 15th 2018,11:24:57 ) Thing is... ppl saying we need freedom of speech/expression/opinion.
Great... but there is no lower age limit for this site. Kids are on the forums. Quote ( Kirsty Ridley @ November 15th 2018,11:33:56 ) Ideally it would be possible to age lock threads.
Since it isn't, I absolutely agree that public forums should have rules and restrictions.
Just don't confuse restricting the forums with restricting the freedom of expression.
The problem is not the "object" itself, but its broadcasting.
That way, i don't agree that certain sensible themes should be broadcasted on TV or internet without age/content control.
Now let's get on with the jokes, and let's be reasonable on what we publish here on public forums.
;)
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A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."
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Quote ( Alan Snyder @ November 15th 2018,15:27:53 ) But the humor in your profile photo never fades. ;)
:P
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George, as a colorblind, i could be really offended by that. Well done!
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Now I understand why you would wear that shocking pink shirt in your profile pic.
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Quote ( Miel Soeterbroek @ November 15th 2018,20:14:46 ) George, as a colorblind, i could be really offended by that.
Did it make you see purple? =]
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Took a second reading Lee.. but that is funny!
Stupid people make me think of glow sticks.
I just want to break their neck and shake the sh*t out of them until they see the light.
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A Lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called him and said: " I have good news and bad news"
The art collector replied: " I had a bad day give me the good news first."
The lawyer said: " I met your wife today and she showed me 2 pictures she invested $1 500 in, and she thinks it could be worth $10 000 000. I think she could be right"
The art collector replied: " That is great news, I feel better already. Now I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied:" The pictures are of you and your secretary."
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Why should you never wear pants made in the Ukraine, because Chernobyl fallout!
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MAN RULES
AT LAST - FINALLY, THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES'FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM only IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US..
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.
1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.
1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.
1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.
1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!
1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...
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That should be the post of the season 68 right there. :)
p.s. I copied and sent to my wife... 'hints' might work in reverse ;)
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Good medical advice from the Jewish sages of old . . .
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don’t eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try f***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER . . .
Fasting is good for your health
And may God cleanse your dirty mind
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Doctor and Self Medication....
A doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station and notices there is no one there. A little kid passes by and tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is at the funeral of the owner's daughter.
Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night and goes to the funeral.
When he gets there he goes in and looks at the open casket and notices that something is wrong.
He calls the father: Sir, I am a doctor and I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.
What do we do now? asks the father.
Does she have a boyfriend? asks the doctor.
Yes, replies the father.
Take her to a room and have the boyfriend make love to her.
They do as the doctor said and sure enough, she wakes up. Everybody was happy and the doctors leaves once he fill up his gas tank.
A few months go by and the doctor returns to the same gas station. The same kid greets him again: Doctor, is so great to see you again. About a week ago Mr. Edward died. Half of the town has screwed him already but he is just not waking up.
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Have you heard IKEA have brought out a new bed ?
It is called the Lesbian Bed.
No nuts or screws.
Only
Tongue in groove 😁
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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives. They all sit down and order a cup of tea.
The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?”
The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?”
The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other two men - looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
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(fictional name are used)
Lyee lodged an official complaint on website game, the matter was handled by a crew called Flo.
Lyee said, "Flo, I should be in Master. I am smarter than my teammate Dominik & he's in Master-5".
Flo had heard enough and took Lyee to Vlad.
Vlad decided to test Lyee with some questions.
Vlad: What is 3+3?
Lyee: 6.
Vlad: 6+6.
Lyee: 12.
Lyess got all the questions right.
Vlad told Flo to put Lyee in Master-6 immediately.
Flo decided to ask her own questions and Vlad agreed.
Flo: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?
Lyee: Legs.
Flo: What is in your trousers that I don't have?
Lyee: Pockets.
Flo: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Lyee: Coconut.
Flo: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?
(Vlad's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, Lyee was taking charge)
Lyee: Bubble gum.
Flo: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.
Lyee: Tent.
(Vlad was looking restless)
Flo: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.
Lyee: Wedding ring.
Flo: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?
Lyee: Nose.
Flo: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.
Lyee: Arrow.
Vlad: O MY GOD.
Flo: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?
Lyee: Fork.
Flo: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?
Lyee: Surname.
Vlad: Ohooo !
Flo: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?
Lyee: Heart.
Vlad: Eeeeeh !
(Vlad breathed a sigh of relief and said to Flo)
Vlad: Send this bloody boy to Elite. I myself got all the answers wrong!
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